NatRHOlly Me, NatRHOlly PoetiQ, NatRHOlly Ki

It been a long time since I’ve had a tumblr post… but with taking the bar again, and my ongoing personal life, I need to post… and might post more often. On today’s episode of #irant… There is nothing boyish about him… Warning this is less of a rant, but I like the #irant tag… so there you go.

I love being educated. It gives a deeper dynamic to the inherent strength that flows from my ancestors, and my upbringing. Just think of some of the great Black women of the past… what if Sojourner Truth had a Master’s degree, wouldn’t that just be the freaking buttercream icing on the chocolate cake… Not comparing myself to Mother Truth, but my opinion of my generation of educated black women; we are strategically placed in our community. Some of us are the bridge between the lesser educated women in our community and cooperate America. Some of us are just as lost as our sisters with no education… But that’s another rant for another day.

The curse of when you are educated, black, a woman, and in “cooperate America” is a story less glamorous. From a young age you realize that you have to exceed just be looked on as average. So by the time you enter the work force you realize you have to be in full beast/boss mode for the entire day, from day one. So for 8 to 12 or more hours a day… I am a boss. Little known fact… I don’t want to be a boss all day, The shit is exhausting. So I want a man that allows me to be woman. He doesn’t need me to take charge, or expects it from me. I want to be a mushy and soft. But I need the opportunity to.

I’ll use a word that’s been thrown around misused… SUBMISSIVE… I want to be submissive, it’s in my nature as woman but I need someone designed for me to be submissive to. And there can’t be anything boyish about him. He has to be a man in every way. Kind, understanding, protective, loving, fun… I could go on and on. Things he must have… a go getter attitude, stability, pride- justifiable pride… be ill in bed… nuff said. Seems impossible. I thought God didn’t make them like that and I would have to compromise on something. And then I met Guy…

There was nothing boyish about Guy. He’s about 6’0, ebony skin (I have a weakness for dark skin), beautiful full lips, and muscular. He is educated, and intelligent (yes they are two separate things). He has ambition, and drive, he has a spiritual maturity that astounds me, he works two jobs and is a great dad. And furthermore, all those things I described before… he has. He reminds me that I am a woman, I’m emotional and vulnerable, and IT’S OKAY. It’s an overwhelming feeling. Guy served as a realization of two very important  things… One… God does make a man with nothing boyish about him… and two… Every “hero” has a tragic flaw (that’s a little bit of Greek mythology/ literary structure for you guys.

More on Guy and his tragic flaw later… but trust me the LESSON IS LEARNED…

Cioa Bellas/Bellos

Oh em geesh I am LITERALLY at my own wits end… I can’t stand the atmosphere in this house when she returns… The slamming the mubling the freaking passive aggressiveness… I can not take it… I gotta get out of here I am going through enough of my own stuff to deal with this too… Advice for any other recent grad out there… Don’t stay with family if you don’t have too… If I had my car, this would not be a problem… I’d just get in it and drive to anywhere… hell if I had my car I’d probably live outta that right now…

Why can’t he see that he is hurting me to the core? Or does he see and honestly doesn’t give a fuck

Living in my situation amazes me. Living with someone who for the most part is jealous of my youth. I made decisions that they could have made but didn’t. She told me the other day that I was just so smart, it came naturally. No it doesn’t. I’ve worked my ass off. I was in school for 20 years straight. I have spent days and nights studying without rest. So no nothing comes naturally.
They don’t understand my decision to chase my happiness and dreams and not money. Money will come. You chase money and you are freaking miserable. I just want to change the world and be happy.
I can’t afford to continue to be in this situation its troubling my soul and my finances. For what I pay a month to share an apartment I can definitely find my own… I’m out of here March 1st.

I really don’t understand. I just don’t maybe I should start to treat people how they treat me…. no exceptions

Seeing how I’m in this writing mood, and the keys on this mac is actually wonderful, I think I’m falling in love with it… really… I want to address this topic I’ve been trying to word for weeks now… Many people call me mannish. Yeah, thats not true… So I was raised by my brothers and older cousins and I see a guys perspective on a lot of things. And MAYBE I’m not as emotional as some women are… and MAYBE I’ve learned that the only way to ensure that game playing is down to a minimum is to keep everything upfront… BUT I AM A FREAKING WOMAN… I want all the girly things most INTELLIGENT twenty somethings want… I want to married, I want a family, I want to be happy…

There are times when I want to be held, just because I feel like the world is spinning too fast… I want to be in love with someone who loves me back… I know that sounds simple but its really not… I keep finding myself in situations where its very one sided… either its some guy who likes/loves me that I don’t vibe with… OR (and more often than the former) I find myself head over heels for someone who quite doesn’t understand or want my love… I want for a man to look at me and see more than Kiki my cool as hell homegirl but to see Zakiya, a beautiful woman to be desired. 

So no I’m not “MANISH” I am however an adult woman who understands who she is, and the games that men play, or try to play… 

On a kinda other note, I have acquired a new little sister… I want her and other young women to understand that they complicate things, by trying to deny things that they know… she asked me how I knew that Kevin (yeah thats a good random name) was sleeping with Kim (another good random name) and Diana (not as good… but I asked for help with random names). She asked me if Kevin told me… I told her he didn’t have to… any women who asks you what your role is in mans life, is 9 out of 10 times sleeping with that man, and you can’t expect a man to not sleep with the mother of his child. Unless you are in a committed relationship, that man and woman are connected and he, being a man, will more likely than not exploit that connection… So do I have to ask Kevin if he is sleeping with these women, NO… because I know he is. Now if I ask him and he lies to me, will I be hurt and upset? Yes, because I hate liars. Lesson of day, don’t ask dumb questions… present facts. Instead of “hey are you sleeping with Tammi” say, “You are sleeping with Tammi aren’t you?” one of them presents a fact, that you just want confirmed… because YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER. And because you ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER, you should be prepared for the hurt/pain/rage that you are going to feel when he either tells the truth or lies about it.

Until next time…

Be Beautiful…  

So I’m sitting at the genius bar, trying my hardest not to go home. Why you ask? because I don’t want to deal with my cousin whom I live with, or her “nonboyfriend” who will be visiting, or his son. I don’t want to, my head hurts and I’m thinking that I am going to move. I am. I need my own space, where I can cry and not have to worry about someone knocking on my door asking a million questions. I want to live my own life, make my own mistakes, and grow up on my own, without someone judging me. Ugh I hate the fact that she compares her life to mine, and how I’m not “together” or my friends are not as “together” as she was when she was our age… mind you she got married and had kids by the time she was twenty one. The only time she’s ever lived alone was the few months before I moved in… yet I am ONLY 25 and I have lived on my own since I was 17. Yeah I was at college, and technically my permeant address was with my mother, but I stayed there three out of 12 months… soooo I basically lived away from home. I have gone to college, graduated ON TIME, I went to law school and GRADUATED ON TIME… so while she has yet to obtain her Bachelors which she has been trying to get for at least 17 years now… I have gotten two degrees in the time it took her to get married have baby and get divorced… Now as she “finds herself” I’m not allowed to do the same thing in her eyes? I mean really… get the FUCK over yourself… I can’t live like this anymore… I can’t be judged and criticized, and stuff ALL THE TIME… like really I have to move… by February, I need to be in my own space…   

‎”My Lord, remove from my heart the love of everything that You do not love.”

(Source: wordsofsolace, via madametoutnnoire)